Mommah says I’m too young for a girlfriend. Well, tell that to Daisy! She’s the cutest poodle you ever saw and I like to kiss her on her face. I also like to kiss Jackie on her face. Mommah says I’m a gigolo. I don’t know what that means but that word is funny
So Mommah finally got smart a couple weeks ago and took me to daycare. I didn’t like it at first cuz I don’t like being away from Mommah for a long time but then I got to play with a couple other dogs and that’s really fun.
Mommah says I have a “core social group” now. I don’t know what that means. I have friends. She should get some, it’s a good thing to have friends.
Mommah says not to dig. I say, “get out of the way or you’ll get dirt kicked on your shoes”
So what did she do today? She went outside. She sat on the ground. AND SHE DUG UP STUFF! She said she was “weeding.” It didn’t look like weeds to me! It was all green stuff that looked really healthy but SHE said it had to go and Daddee said so too. I don’t get a vote. Apparently dogs don’t get to vote on that stuff. On a side note, even dogs can get ID.
Mommah said that was political and I should be political.
So now you know what she’s doing? She’s complaining that her shoulder hurts. And that means that tomorrow? She’s gonna BARK BARK BARK all day.
You’re not gonna believe this! Mommah says I have this bejoobee on my muzzle and it needs to be checked. Really? I don’t think it’s necessary. HOWEVER, I can’t drive so I sort of have to go where she takes the car.
K, also, I like to lick my paws. They’re my paws, right? Well, according to my Mommah, who is a know it all, by the way, I lick them too much. Define too much, please?
This is how it’s supposed to be. Mommah gets up. She drinks that nasty smelling stuff out of her big WOOF cup. The she lays on the floor and says she’s doing her exercises and I help by laying on top of her. THEN we get our stuff and go to the park. That’s the rule.
So today, Mommah gets up and drinks her nasty stuff and does her exercises and gets my leash and we get in the car and did we go to the park? Umm, no, we did not! We went to the vet. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like Dr. Dave okay even though he pokes me but seriously, this is not right. This stuff should be AFTER the park!
Anyway. He said that my bejoobee is nothing and that made Mommah happy. Then he said I have allergies. I do not! That sounds like cooties! I don’t have cooties! That’s what Mommah says when we see people at the park wearing masks, she makes this funny motion with her hand and says “CURSES ON YOUR COOTIES!” So I KNOW I don’t have them!
And now I have medicine! I do not like to take medicine, Mom! Does she care? Nooooooooooo, she just pushes it right down my throat. RUDE!
Anyway, I haven’t licked my paws today. But I might later even though I do NOT have cooties!
Yesterday morning, I was sleeping really nice and having a dream about swimming and all of a sudden, there was a man in my front yard. A STRANGE man! A man I’d never seen before. Daddee says I’m supposed to protect Mommah from strangers so I did my job and I barked really loud. He didn’t leave.
I barked some more.
He still didn’t leave.
Daddee started barking and Mommah started laughing. Seriously, Mommah? We’re trying to save your fat butt from a stranger and you LAUGH at us? Good thing I love you.
Mommah came downstairs and we sat on the sofa and she petted me, which is always a good thing, but this GUY WAS STILL IN MY YARD!!!!!!!!!!
And then you won’t believe what happened!
SHE LET HIM INSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Jebus, Mommah, how am I supposed to protect you if you let HIM INSIDE???????????????
He finally left and let me tell you, I was exhausted. But did I get to nap? Have you met my Mommah? Oh, heck no, I didn’t! We had to go for a walk!
So I made her walk really fast and she said, “this is not a forced march!” Yeah, that’s what you think!
Move it, woman!
So today, we went to the park and she decided to go so slow that I almost fell asleep walking. What the heck is wrong with this woman? I did get some good liver treats, though.
Now I think I’ll get a nap and hopefully she’ll remember not to let strangers into the house anymore.
Well, that’s what Mommah says. She worries about falling down and says she’s old and she’ll break. I think she has plenty of padding, honestly. So we haven’t been going to my park because she says I’ll pull her down, and then there was that little incident with the stupid dog that got too close to me and I kinda told it off last week, so she doesn’t think we’re gonna be welcome there for a while.
I think she’s over-reacting, honestly. She does that a lot. So I have to go poop in the field. I like the field, cuz when Mommah goes out there with me, one good yank and I’ve got that leash right out of her hand! Have I mentioned how much I think leashes are stupid? They’re stupid. They are seriously stupid. Especially those flex-lead things that people use with little dogs. Little dogs are also stupid but Mommah says it’s rude to say so. (And I mean really little dogs, the ones that weigh like as much as my dinner, not the ones that would at least make a couple meals.)
Also, when Mommah takes me outside on the leash, (which is stupid), I can yank her hard and go run right up into the woods. The woods are awesome! There’s deer poop and fox poop and squirrels and bunnies and birds and my nose just about explodes! So whenever I do that, Mommah gets lost and I have to go find her and she’s just on the porch. (Speaking of stupid…………)
So Daddee takes me to the field cuz he’s stronger than Mommah and he doesn’t cry if I pull the leash, he just tells me to knock it the eff off. And then he looks mean, but he’s not really, I just climg on him and give him kisses and he’s really a big old teddy bear. Speaking of teddy bears, they’re really fun to hump. (Just in case you might want to have a party in your pants, as Mommah says)
Today we went to the park and that was very exciting so we didn’t stay long. Mommah says the snow and ice will be gone later and then we’re supposed to get more. I like snow but this is getting old. Kinda like Mommah!
So I woke Mommah up this morning in the normal way – I jumped on her head while she was still sleeping and then licked her face while she tried to get away. That’s funny. Daddee says we’re goofy. But he laughs, and that’s a good thing.
We came downstairs and she did her computer thing and drank that coffee stuff that smells like dirt but she loves so much, and then I helped her do her back exercises by biting her feet and laying on her belly. She says my elbows are awful sharp and poke her in the belly. Well, she’s got plenty of padding there so I don’t know why she’s complaining!
And then, we’re SUPPOSED to go for a walk. It isn’t snowing and we go for our walk every day after exercises. That’s the rule.
But nooooooooooooooooo. Today, she got on the phone with Auntie Beth and APPARENTLY there is something more important than my walk! Umm, really? So she’s been futzin around all day! Geesh!
Okay, Auntie Beth just called and we’re finally gonna go so I think I’ll pull her arm out of the socket for making me wait so long!
Sometimes I just get this really crazy urge and I just TAKE OFF like a rocket! I don’t really know what a rocket is, but that’s what Mommah says so I think it must be a good thing!
Today we went for a walk at my Auntie Beth’s development, and that was a really good thing because, as you know, I do not like to poop at home but I had to go really bad this morning so I did but I really had to go again so I unloaded twice at Auntie Beth’s and Mommah said, “HOLY COW Maverick!”
Excuse me. I am not a cow. Carl, who lives down the road, is a cow. When we go by his field, Mommah says, “there’s Carl!” and waves at him. He’s a cow, Mommah. Get over it. She is so weird.
Anyway. I rolled in lots of snow cuz that’s fun. Then we got back to the Auntie Beth’s house and Mommah opened the car door but I didn’t want to go home, so I did my rocket man and Auntie Beth let go of the leash – well, that’s a good thing or she probably would have gone splat and I would have felt bad – and I jumped over the snowbanks and ran around her yard and jumped some more!
Mommah was calling so I looked at her, and laughed, and then Auntie Beth called so I looked at her, and laughed and I just ran and ran and it was so much fun! Then Mommah got ahold of my leash and we ran to the car and jumped in.
I really like jumping in the snow but Mommah says I’m not supposed to do the Rocket Man thing. I think Mommah is a poopy head.
SO we got lots and lots of snow and I think it’s fun to run around in it but Mommah doesn’t cuz she’s a poopee head sometimes but that’s another story. Today she went outside with me and I was just barking at everything and having a wonderful time – she said I was giving her a headache – and then I saw something in the woods and I ran really hard and I broke that stupid line that she hooks me to.
And I ran and ran! I could hear Mommah and Daddee calling me to come back but I was having too much fun so I just ran some more!
Mommah was standing on the porch. How do you get lost on the porch? Seriously! But anyway, all of a sudden she’s calling me to come find her. Well, I can’t let her wander around lost, can I? So I turned around and ran back to her and she was so happy that I found her that she cried. And gave me a cookie.
She usually just gets lost in the house, I wonder if she needs to go to the doctor cuz this is getting worse! I can’t let her out of my sight for a second!
It’s snowing and snowing and snowing and it’s cold and so much fun! Daddee took me outside this morning and when I came inside I got the zoomies and Mommah laughed and said “Wet puppy!” I like it when she dries me off, honestly. I also like to run away with the towel. That’s funny.
BUT, Mommah won’t drive in the snow so we aren’t going to my park and that means I have to drag Daddee out to the field to the farthest corner so I can poop because I do not like to poop at home, thank you very much. Pooping at home is just rude. ROOOD!
Anyway, if Mommah doesn’t get her walk she gets crabby so I had to tire her out this morning. First, I helped her do her back exercises by biting her feet and toes. That’s funny cuz she says OUCH a lot. I also like to lay across her belly when she tries to do her belly lift things. She just has to laugh cuz she can’t move me, so then I lick her face.
Next we watered all the plants in the house. I followed her to make sure she didn’t miss any cuz she can be forgetful. Then we played the “jump on the bed” game and I tell you what, this woman! She can get lost in a phone booth! (I don’t know what that is but Daddee tells her that a lot.) She kept calling for me to find her and when I did, she’d get lost again!
Next we went outside and she shoveled the sidewalk and I ran around. I wish she’d take that leash off me – I don’t care that it’s really really long, I want to go chase those foxes and squirrels and deer! I barked at them and then all the other dogs in the neighborhood barked and we had a good chat about how stupid our moms and dads are.
She FINALLY made me lunch and let me get a nap. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with her later. Maybe I’ll make her play the nose game or throw the ball, that tires her out and I can get a nap!
Mommah said it’s gonna snow. Actually she said it’s gonna “fucken snow” but I’m not supposed to swear so forget I said that. I love snow! I love to play in it and run in it and roll in it and get snowballs in my fur and between my toes – cuz then Mommah gets a towel and rubs me all over and I LOVE that!
Mommah, however, hates snow. So she’s grumbling around the house and checking the weather every five minutes. I did tell you guys she’s kinda stoopitt, right?
So today we went for our walk and she says it’s colder than a witch’s tit, whatever that means. Daddee bought her this hat that has a mask inside and she pulls it down over her face and honestly, she even scares me!
This is my Mommah.
See what I have to put up with? I need a treat. Or several.
K, I’ll bark at y’all again tomorrow. I want to talk about leashes!